Posted by Josh on October 29, 2002 at 01:33:42:
Afterwards, when I was in therapy, my therapist told me that I was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, which I still find somewhat amusing. I wasn't just depressed or sad. I was suffering from a rather stupendous-sounding malady. Anyway, he said that because I am so visually-oriented that I am even more brilliant than most when it comes to reliving things both real and imagined...over and over and over and over again.
Today, blessedly, work was insanely busy. The minute it got quiet, though...that whole reliving thing just lurks right under the surface, doesn't it? It feels so far away, but it hangs out real close.
I'm having a white chocolate martini tonight (well just one so far, but I am guessing there are a few more coming) with the white chocolate that Wendy left at my place the night she made me white chocolate martinis. I've turned on the fishy-bubble lamp, which has brought me the beginnings of prosperity (let's here it for feng shui!), and I'm ready to just stare at it all night, methinks.
It's amazing the memories that come back...how I stumbled out of the store I was in when my Mom called...how I stupidly stopped to get my haircut because I was in such shock that I worried I wouldn't have another chance to get in to "my guy" before I went back to Dallas...the horror of having to call people...and then there are all these things that I can't quite place. One of the worst non-major moments of the whole process (i.e., not the funeral or the viewing or the phone calls or anything) was when I was sitting at dinner at Louise's...I don't remember who else was there except for Gene and we were the most sorry-looking bunch of long-faced mopers I've ever seen. Then Gene turned to me and said, "Josh, say something funny." And I couldn't. I searched and searched and there was nothing there. That lack of the ability to find a laugh anywhere was one of the most upsetting moments of my life. I'd been beat.
However, I have since learned to laugh and love and be silly again. I could never live my life by the "What Would Wendy Do?" credo because it just ain't me. Although, I would really enjoy being able to have about 20 different careers a week, if not for that whole silly "income" thing. But I do have a button that says "Ring, Ring, Pick up the Clue Phone." I chose to answer. Life's short. Better live it well. And that, I am proud to say, is exactly What Wendy Would Do.